How Video Games are an Act of Self Love

by Erin Hawley

When I started streaming video games on Twitch, it allowed me share one of my passions with a wide, online audience. Many of my viewers are disabled themselves, while others are interested to learn how people with different disabilities access games. And sometimes folks just want to watch anyone play a game they are thinking of buying and enjoying themselves. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why someone is watching me on camera playing games – it just matters that they see and/or hear me. Putting myself out there like that is an act of self-love. It’s also an instance of community love.

I was always afraid to speak in front of an audience; I worried that my mind would go blank and I would embarrass myself. I worried folks would make assumptions about my competence on a subject because my disabilities are both visible and invisible. But most of all, I worried that folks would never see the real me, and I pride myself in always remaining authentic. All these fears were not unfounded; past experiences gave me ample evidence that some folks will always make assumptions, or my anxiety would give me extreme brain fog.

Being an ardent consumer of the hobby, I watched a lot of my friends, both abled and disabled, stream games – I would hang out in their chatrooms, offer advice on puzzles they were stuck on, and lend support when they couldn’t get past a certain boss level. In between these nerdy moments, we’d also chat about life’s challenges, our favorite movies, or funny stories. Twitch started to feel like a real community; while we were all separated by miles, we came together online and built strong friendships that made us feel less isolated. Being disabled means I can’t hop in a car and meet up with folks easily – but I could easily open a browser window and the Discord chat app. A lot of people not in the hobby don’t understand why anyone would watch other people play video games, but it’s not about the activity itself – it’s about community and forming bonds in an accessible way. That’s why streaming is community love.

For me, the self-love part came later. Going against the advice of my anxiety, I decided to try streaming games myself. At first, it was difficult to get past that aforementioned fear. Not only was I engaging in public speaking, but I had to play puzzle or first-person shooter games at the same time. I had to break out of my introverted shell. As I became more comfortable with the platform, large part in thanks to a supportive partner and friends, I became more confident in my presence being out there. I leaned into my brain fog – it’s part of my brand now, kind of. I get the occasional troll in my chatroom, but they don’t bother me because I am confidant in who I am. Streaming online is a way for me to share my confidence with others so they CAN see the real me. I want my viewers to understand that I am okay with myself. We don’t see that a lot in portrayals of disability – especially in gaming.

Through gaming, I celebrate communities that support each other, like the ones I’m part of online. Self-love and community love for disabled people is needed and, because of society’s expectations of us, it is vital for our mental and physical health. 

About Erin Hawley: Erin Hawley is the Communications and Digital Content Producer for Easterseals National, and has Muscular Dystrophy, anxiety, and scoliosis. She is also a writer and professional nerd.

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