‘Tis the season to be jolly, or so the saying goes. But what if you aren’t? While the holidays can offer opportunities to gather with family and loved ones, they can also bring feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially if you’re not able to be with your (chosen) family for any number of reasons. With 11 different holidays packed into the month of December alone, it can often feel as if everyone but you is surrounded by people who love them.
The experience of isolation is something many disabled folks face year-round, but it can feel especially overwhelming during the holidays. The holidays are often framed as a time for family gatherings, socializing, and celebration. There is a societal expectation to be surrounded by loved ones, engaging in festive activities. Depending on one’s disability, physical, emotional, or logistical barriers—such as difficulty attending large gatherings, pain, or the lack of an accessible space—can make this idealized version of the holidays feel out of reach. The pressure to conform to these expectations can intensify feelings of loneliness and exclusion.
Ableism, stigma, and a lack of accessibility are just a few of the barriers that often pave the way for this sense of loneliness. Ableism, simply put, is the discrimination people with disabilities experience. During the holidays, ableism can take many forms, both overt and subtle, and can amplify feelings of isolation, exclusion, and marginalization for disabled individuals. For those who are neurodivergent, this ableism might be experienced in the pressure to conform to social norms or participate in celebrations. For those who have mental health disabilities, ableism can be in the pressure to be “happy.” And for those with physical disabilities, an inaccessible event space or a lack of accessible bathrooms can send clear messages about whether or not a person belongs at this event. Many holiday gatherings and public events—whether they are family dinners, office parties, or festive celebrations—are not designed with accessibility in mind. However, there are also ways we, as disabled people, can push back against these barriers and challenge the assumptions about ‘disability’ and ‘community’ that often get in our way the most.
First, if you are reading this article as an ally to the disability community, there are a few things you can do to help us mitigate the isolation we face. Addressing ableism and stigma in yourself and in your community can be one of the most impactful. As Andrew Pulrang so eloquently noted in his article 7 Things Disabled People Have to Think About Every Day, “The goal is to foster practical knowledge of disabled life, so disabled people’s needs might be better anticipated, and so their requests for accommodations are more readily accepted and met, rather than doubted, picked apart, and denied.”
What is Ableism Anyway?
Talila Lewis’ working definition of ableism is my favorite, as it so nicely illustrates the intersectionality of ableism with other systems of oppression, like racism, sexism, and capitalism. Intersectionality is the idea that one’s identity consists of multiple overlapping categories, such as disability, race, gender, class, and/or sexual orientation. Many people with disabilities are not just disabled but experience other marginalized identities in which their experience is also framed.
Fighting ableism is one big way we can all address isolation in the disability community. From my perspective, this fight requires a combination of personal reflection, systemic changes, and cultural shifts in attitudes and beliefs. Ableism can manifest in many forms, from individual biases to structural barriers and can all lead to the social isolation of people with disabilities. From decades of experience from disability activists and allies, to effectively challenge ableism, we must approach it from multiple angles. This includes, education, advocacy, allyship, creating more welcoming environments, and ensuring we have disabled voices at every table.
The Disability Community
As for those reading this in the disability community, you are not the only one feeling alone and isolated. Sometimes loneliness and isolation are referred to as the “invisible enemy,” but, without a doubt, research shows that we’re facing a mental health crisis in our community. In fact, 61% of disabled people say they are experiencing chronic loneliness. Further, 70% of young disabled people (ages 16 to 24) report feeling lonely “always” or “often” (sense.org). However, when in the depths of feeling isolated, I can guarantee that it doesn’t feel like you are actually part of the majority in this experience.
Unfortunately, the health risks of feeling prolonged loneliness and isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day and can further cause depression, pain, or fatigue (chrt.org). But if you’ve ever experienced being socially isolated, I don’t have to explain these statistics to you. You’ve felt them. It simply feels awful to not feel welcomed in any given community.
So, What Can We Do About It?
It seems to me that while fighting ableism and ensuring spaces are accessible for all of us might be one of the first steps, joining community comes even before that. Joining the larger disability community to advocate against discriminating policies, social norms, and attitudes can be an incredibly powerful experience. Maybe this means following other disabled people on social media, reading a book by a disabled author, or forming friendships with other disabled people in your community. But in whatever capacity makes sense for you, joining other disabled people to break some of the unspoken rules nondisabled people hold for disabled people can be a huge step in resisting the ableism and stigma we experience. I have personally seen people with varying disabilities break these unspoken rules by collectively not worrying about how loud they are being in a public setting, as some members of the group are hard of hearing; or by going out for a drink when some in the group have an intellectual disability (drinking for someone with an intellectual disability is often seen as forbidden, even when they are of age); or when a group of Little People collectively take on someone who has taken their picture without consent. Pushing back against systemic ableism and stigma simply requires us to band together. As a reminder for myself included, community, joy, and rest are all forms of care.
While the holidays can often amplify feelings of isolation for disabled people, they also present an opportunity to reflect on the systemic barriers that contribute to this sense of loneliness and to think about ways we can change them. Whether through addressing ableism within our own lives, advocating for accessibility, or building more welcoming communities, we can all play a part in fostering a world where disabled individuals are not left at the margins. For those who experience loneliness, remember that you are not alone in this struggle—many of us share these feelings, and together, we can create spaces where joy, connection, and belonging are not reserved for some, but available to all. In the push against ableism and stigma, community, rest, and collective resistance are essential for our well-being and survival. As we move through this season and into 2025, let’s keep in mind the importance of solidarity—and choosing to be in community with one another.
