Episode 38: Kids Need Neurodivergent Characters: Kyla and Jedidiah Mora on Acceptance & Understanding

Episode 38 Show Notes

Kyla and Jedidiah Mora are a neurodivergent couple, writers, and advocates. They are the authors of “Today My Brain Is a Dinosaur,” a popular children’s book that helps kids understand autism, ADHD, and different ways of thinking.  Their journey started with their own diagnoses of autism and ADHD as adults. After years of confusion and challenges, they found clarity, self-acceptance, and a desire to help others feel less alone.  

Kyla is a high school teacher and journalist who is passionate about education and storytelling. Jedidiah works in the water industry and has a strong interest in mechanical engineering. Together, they combine their skills and personal experiences to create stories that celebrate neurodivergent kids and families. Through their writing, they aim to break down stigma and spark conversations. 

Connect with Kyla Mora on X.

Transcript

Lily Newton: Hey, listeners, and welcome to another episode of Everything You Know About Disability is Wrong.

Erin Hawley: Today on the show, we have authors of the children's book Today My Brain is a is a dinosaur, Kyla and Jedidiah Mora.

Lily Newton: Kyla is a high school teacher with a decade of experience teaching literature, English, and journalism. She's also a published journalist whose recording carried her from local papers in Texas to the USA Today network outlet in Guam.

Erin Hawley: As an autistic teen, she learned how to harness the ways that her brain worked differently from others by reading, watching, and learning, particularly from her parents who were also, educators.

Lily Newton: Jedidiah never thought he'd write a book. Born and raised in San Antonio, Texas, he has worked in the water industry his entire career, drilling wells and operating pumping stations. As an adult, finally being diagnosed with ADHD put a lot of things into perspective, I relate, and helped him recognize how to best channel his neurodivergent strengths.

Erin Hawley: Jed is happiest when armed with tools. He's figuring out how to make things work. He enjoys mechanical engineering, off roading, and audio books.

Lily Newton: Welcome to the show, Kyla and Jed. We're so happy to have you.

Kyla Mora: Thank you for having us.

Lily Newton: Yes. Of course. Before we get into our questions, let's go ahead and do our audio descriptions where we just describe what we look like for our blind or low vision audience. This is Lily speaking. I am a white passing mixed race person with, green eyes, and my hair is split down the middle, dyed half blonde, half brown, but it's up in a bun today. And I'm actually not wearing the necklace that I usually fidget with in episodes, so I'm a go ahead and grab a fidget toy that I will play with. This is a stretchy string of yellow that I'll play with the whole episode. And go ahead, Erin.

Erin Hawley: Hi. This is Erin. I have red hair. I'm a white woman. I have blue eyes, and I'm sitting in my chair in my room. And I'll pass it to Kyla and Jed.

Kyla Mora: Hello. I'm Kyla. I am a white woman. I have short red hair, and I'm wearing a white button up shirt sitting next to my husband.

Jedidiah Mora: Hello. I'm Jed. I have brown eyes. I have a oval face, short hair, and I'm kind of a brownish red color. And I'm wearing a gray button up shirt with glasses.

Lily Newton: Awesome. With glasses that before we started recording, I thought were a specific very cool style, and Judd informed me they were safety glasses. So now, the my note for this episode is that safety is stylish. Yes. It should be. Should be.

Jedidiah Mora: I've tried.

Erin Hawley: So Well

Lily Newton: Let's get into it.

Erin Hawley: Yeah. The name of our podcast is everything you know about disability is wrong. And the first question we always ask is, what should people get wrong about you? That's a good question.

Kyla Mora: Lou, you wanna go first?

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah. The one of the things that people get wrong about me is that I'm not serious or I'm not, willing to follow direction. I don't mind following direction and following, a directive. I just like to know why I'm doing what I'm doing. And sometimes without that, I I seem obstinate and and insubordinate. But in reality, I I want to understand the reason of things so I can fully accomplish the the the directive at hand.

Kyla Mora: It's kind of hard to know what people get wrong about me because I have a hard time seeing the way that people perceive me but I guess I guess the the idea that I always that I I guess that I always wanna be by myself or that I I always know exactly what to do or I've always got the situation fully in hand. I think I come across as really capable And, people tend to interpret that as well, you're good. You don't need any help at all. So maybe that's something that that people get wrong about me.

Lily Newton: Wow. What, like, encapsulating experiences of neurodivergence you just described. Like, truly, I think that those are two examples that most people in the neurodivergent community, I think, can relate to. And disability as a whole, that kind of, like, assuming either, like, hyper independence or assuming insubordination when it's really just, like, no. I'm just clarifying. Like Yeah. So thank you for sharing that. I think that that is, yeah, certainly a common thread in neurodivergent stories.

Erin Hawley: So your book, Today My Brain is a Dinosaur, won the Sleeping Bear Press's Own Voices, own stories award just out last year. And what made you decide to enter that competition, and what led you to write your book?

Kyla Mora: I think the reason I decided to enter it, we decided to enter it is writing is something I've been doing my whole life, writing stories, you know, as a journalist, but also just writing stories for myself. But I, have run into the peculiar affliction of people who work full time and like to write which is that you never actually finish anything. You start stuff and you work on it when you can but you never actually get it done. And kids books was not something I had ever really been interested in writing but I had gone to the Texas Librarian Association, conference in Dallas Several Years ago and I stayed on a bunch of different publications, emailing addresses, you know, their mailing lists. So, I just got the mailing list from Sleeping Bear Press in my inbox one day talking about the contest and I just thought, that's interesting. It was the neurodivergent authors thing that really kind of caught my eye because Jed had kind of fairly recently been diagnosed with ADHD and and you know over the past year or two we've been kind of figuring that out and kind of integrating it into our understanding of just our everyday life. And, I don't know, I just I started thinking about it and I was like, it would be kind of interesting if there was a book about that because I'm a teacher, I've worked with kids who have ADHD for years and I've never seen a kid's book about it ever, about what it's like to deal with it, what it's like to be that kid. And I see a lot of my students who just constantly get it presented to them like it's a negative.

Like, it's just it's always about the negatives. It's always about the not getting your homework turned in on time or not being able to remember what you were supposed to do for class today. So I just mentioned it to Jed and I was like, I don't know what you would think about this but I have an idea, what if we tried it? And he was like, Sure, I guess we could try it. So we just started working on it together, I came up with a concept and then we just worked together on it over you know several months until we finally got it to a place where we were like well it's more or less done let's just submit it and see what happens.

Lily Newton: So cool. I'm I'm so glad you did submit it. I think that, exactly what you shared about. There's just not those stories for young kids. And I'll I'll say my experience of reading your book is one that I I think is actually a common experience. It's like that I, like, couldn't get through it without choking up because it was so, like, I didn't until I was reading it, I didn't even realize that I hadn't seen this story before in the way it was described. And I just, I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and I know that my neurological makeup is genetic. So I figured that some of them will relate to the way my brain works.

And I am, like, so excited to have this book to share with them. All these people. Oh, I'm so yeah. I'm glad I could tell you that. Because I really like, when I read the book, I was like, I wish I could meet these people, and then we made it happen. That's exciting. So you you touched on that you wanted to write a children's book because it didn't really exist. You as an educator, Kyla, like, what do you think is the importance of having that representation at a young age? And then I'll ask, Jed, I'd love for you to weigh weigh in on, like, what the experience was like writing something for a young age audience when you yourself did not discover your ADHD identity at a young age.

Kyla Mora: It's really important to have it for kids at a young age. I think especially because, oh my goodness the experience for so many kids that experience it that get diagnosed young that get put in like special ed classes or they have teachers or whatever it's just constantly negative It's stop that, stop doing that that way, sit still, focus, why aren't you doing your work, why aren't you listening, why are you bothering people? It's constant. And, I don't think teachers want it or even mean it to be that way. It just is the reality of trying to manage a group of children. And I just I've seen it in I I used to sub for my mom's classes. She was a special education teacher for years at the elementary level. I've I've worked in a lot of different grade levels, and you just see the kind of just that kind of constant discouragement, that kind of like, yes. Again, I know.

I know. I'm being told again to do this. And I remember one kid I was trying to I was bargaining with him. I was trying everything I could do to get him to do his math problems in class. And I just I crouched down by his desk, and I was like, okay. Can you can we do just one? And then you could take a break. And he just had the saddest expression on his face, and he was like, I'm trying. And I could, like, see in his face.

He just it wasn't working. His ADHD was really severe. It was just so I think it's really important to see these books because all the messaging that these kids get from the time that they're young especially if they get diagnosed young is you are a problem. And everything that you're doing is a problem and everything that you're thinking is a problem. And I know from teaching those kids how exhausted they feel trying to communicate to others that they're not trying to be difficult. They're not trying to be a bad kid. They didn't do this on purpose. They actually really wanted to do x y z.

It just didn't work out that way. But after a while, you know, to a parent or a teacher or an adult, it just starts to look like you're just being this way. And you could be different but you're not. And so I think it's really important for kids to see that so that they understand like they are not a problem in and of themselves because I think a lot of kids with ADHD grow up feeling that way about themselves.

Lily Newton: Yeah. I think that's so so so important, and it it actually brings up a point that I I believe we talked about this in our episode with, autistic author Lauren Melissa Elsey, talking about how when you are we were talking about it from the perspective of autism, but I certainly think it relates ADHD wise of that exactly what you described when you as a kid are constantly, like, the problem, especially in a classroom setting. It's really easy to internalize that and then live life as an adult who thinks that anytime there's a problem, it must be them. And that's something I certainly have had to learn in my, like, unmasking journey is that that, like, oh, I'm actually not responsible for every bad feeling in the room. And I think a lot of kids that felt that way growing up do end up like that's a form of, like, trauma behavior. So I think that's really important. Jed, I'd love for you to weigh in on that, like, the experience of writing something for kids as someone who didn't get diagnosed until adulthood.

Jedidiah Mora: So I remember being in first grade and being the kid that figured stuff out way before everybody else. And from first through third grade, I was I was the problem child, because they told me to do something, I would do it and I had nothing else to do. There was no other outlet of energy for, you know, a first grader, second grader, third grader, you know, and I remember I remember my the angry issues that's in the book. I remember that I remember smashing another student's fingers in a desk because I had no outlet for for any of the energy. I I remember telling stories about my parents to admit it's drinkers. They thought my dad had a drinking problem. You were the worst. But after my father passed away, it ended up the ADD changed in a way because you had the trauma of losing a parent and then the trauma not growing up with that parent.

You know, you know, my father was a very good influence and so losing that male influence in the home really changed things. So then when I once I got to a teenager, my my thinking was different than everyone else's. My my way of of seeing things was different. And so I I would be seen as a irresponsible kind of wild child that would not be serious, couldn't wouldn't be taken seriously. So I'm I'm gonna give you a little story about my hair. My mom cut my hair like this one summer because she thought I had lice. I was ecstatic because I didn't have to comb my hair. I never wanted to comb my hair because it was a waste of my time.

Why do I have it? I don't wanna comb it because hair is useless. And so and and so until the the from when I was like 11, so until that the time I turned 18 when I could make that decision on my own, I started cutting my hair the exact same way because my mindset don't worry about it. It is irrelevant and I never grew up with people like that. So I was seen in my circle of friends as an impulsive, impatient kind of judgmental person because I'd make a snap decision on something and then stick to it. So growing up as a child and then writing it down in this way really I think helps those kids that are the problem child you know air quotes problem child because they they they do get that brand and that first perception and that first that first, what's that word called? What's this? Label? Stigma? No, no, no, first impression.

Erin Hawley: First impression.

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah, first impression that you know you have a teacher give and then that sticks with you the whole year. And you try your best to to to overcome it, but it's not you. You can't adjust that. You don't literally have the the the hardware itself is malfunctioning and you you as much as you wanna import the software, that is your parents, your teachers, societal indicators of how to behave, you can't you can't download it into the hardware because the hardware itself is messed up. So poor kids, man, they just kind of get the short end of the stick because the adults are like, dude, this kid. And you you feel for the adults at the same time, but the kids, they they don't know how to communicate. And so writing this was really, I hope, helps them to to kinda be like this right here. I'm a dinosaur today.

Jedidiah Mora: Get it?

Lily Newton: Yeah. Like, that language is really important. I think about, like, the the movie Inside Out, and, like, I've seen my nieces and nephews, like, use that language. Like, oh, like, anger is doing some like that, and it's given like, just made it easier for them to talk about that. And, yeah, certainly, like, and the different examples in your book, like, I I could so viscerally like, I wanted to go back and give my young self the language of, like, your brain's just being a submarine today. That's that's all. It's okay. So I yeah.

I think that's amazing. And there's definitely something about, like, in my experience, like, metaphor as a neurodivergent person helping explain the world. And, Jed, I love that you brought up the hardware software because the thing I always say to my friends who are, like, unsure if they want to pursue an autism diagnosis or ADHD evaluations, things like that, I always say that it is crucial to understand your factory settings. Like, you can't change make changes until you know your factory settings. And, actually, I think that's a great segue into the next topic, which I hope we can stick on for a bit, which is this, idea. We're running a campaign right now at Easterseals, which is called acceptance begins with understanding. So I would love to hear whether in story or explanation, can you both share how you came to understand your brain functions and what kinds of self acceptance and accommodation that has led to for yourselves?

Kyla Mora: Mine is very recent. I just got diagnosed with autism literally this month so that's been kind of a it's been an ongoing thing that I've been thinking about for at least the last five years but kind of finally enough things presented themselves that I was like, maybe I'm not imagining this, maybe there really is something. And it's been very helpful but it really has been kind of pushing me to recontextualize a lot of things. Because basically my experience was that no one liked me and I didn't know why. People thought I well yeah, but you're different. People thought I was weird, and I couldn't figure that out. I thought I was being nice. Apparently, I wasn't.

Lily Newton: I so relate. It's the it's the most confusing thing in the world to be like a teenager and be told you're being mean.

Kyla Mora: Like, I'm not meaning to be. I mean, like, even as a little kid, I just I didn't have friends. Kids didn't like me. And I never understood why, but I was just like, well, okay. That's just me people just don't like me that's okay I will just kind of internalize and move forward you know. But things were difficult for me as a kid like I had a lot of sensory issues that made life really difficult for my parents and I got the message really loud and clear that what you're doing is a problem whether they meant to make me feel that way or not it's just it is what it is right so I just really learned to just note and hide so So if I was doing something that I was getting a message as a problem I was like okay noted don't do that where people can see you do it again. But I'd still have to do it. I would just have to do it in a way where no one would notice.

So you know, fast forward all these years, I've developed these really complex systems of behavior around things like food and clothing and being in public spaces and being in groups with people and, and just interacting with people in general. And finally just got to a point where I was so exhausted and I realized I'm so I would get so anxious about being around people because I was so tired of just thinking all the time Of of because I was like, I have to and I tried to explain it to Jed and he was like, why can't you be yourself? I was like, you don't understand. People don't like me when I'm myself. I have to be this way because people do not like me. And And he was like, well how do you know that? And I'm like, oh every interaction I've ever had has told me that. You know? But learning that it's autism and the things that I'm doing are tied to being autistic and why I'm doing them and and all of the compensatory behaviors that go with it has kind of opened the door for me to start trying to as you were saying going on the unmasking journey where you know now I'm just being straight with people and telling you know I've had people ask me you know are you okay what's wrong and I've been able to be like no, actually I'm fine. This is just my face. I was like, I actually got diagnosed with autism recently.

If I look blank or serious or upset or whatever, nothing is going on. Absolutely nothing is going on. I'm just trying not to fake smile all the time. You know? And honestly, I've got better responses from that than anything else where they're just like, oh, okay. That's interesting. You know? So just Mhmm. But it's a process. It's really a process.

And being married helped me a lot because I I I learned finally I had to communicate certain things. Like, you know, when I would have a bad reaction over a plate of food and, you know, Jed's like, what is happening right now? Or why are you doing that exactly? And I'm like, oh, I didn't even think about the fact that I was doing it. Okay. Well, let me explain. You know so having him to have to explain all this stuff to first helped a lot because it helps you realize it's not normal but it also helps you realize like okay and it's fine it's just it just is what you do and so I think it's made it a little easier for me to get a little more comfortable about trying to to kind of recalibrate all of my relationships with people through that lens including my family which is an ongoing process So but that's, yeah, that's been my that's been my fun times. But it's been really helpful and I'm I'm really, really glad that I went through it all. Definitely.

Lily Newton: I'm glad you're giving yourself the space to acknowledge that, like, there's a it's difficult when you have to recontextualize your entire life. Like Oh, yeah. It's hard. There's some and there's some grief in it that doesn't get talked about so much of this, like, maybe in I see, Jed, you're nodding that kind of like grieving the, like, neurotypical version of yourself you thought you were like presenting or whatever it is. So I'm glad you're making space for that so early in your diagnosis because I think that I as someone I was diagnosed in my early 20s and I think I was so like, wanting to swing the pendulum away from negativity that immediately I was like, being autistic is amazing. And I it's it's awesome and I accept it and I'm gonna be an autistic advocate immediately. And I didn't really give myself space to be like, this is hard. And that kind of reared its ugly head a few years later, and I had to give myself space for that.

Lily Newton: So I'm I'm impressed, honestly, that a month into diagnosis, you're giving yourself the space to feel those things.

Kyla Mora: Oh, I think the the biggest thing has just been it's allowed me to realize, like, I wasn't bad or just wrong exactly. Like, I mean, because it's it's rough. I mean, when you spend, you know, over a decade of consistently getting the message, no one likes you, no one wants to be around you, consistently getting the message no one likes you, no one wants to be around you, no one wants to talk to you. Like you know after a while you really start to be like well there is just something about me that is a massive problem and I can't figure out what it is for the life of me but I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing. So I got very comfortable with being independent because I literally thought to myself where they're gonna dislike me anyway so I might as well just do what I want because no matter what I do it's gonna be wrong. But yeah it allows you to kind of look back at yourself and be like no you weren't you were fine like you were fine you just didn't understand you weren't speaking the language everyone else was and that's really what it was like that's that's really all it was You just didn't speak the language and they didn't speak your language and and now you can kind of give yourself a little bit of a a little bit of a cushion and self understanding and and not constantly be beating yourself up being like what's wrong with me? Why don't I care about this stuff? Why don't I get along with people that easily? Why do I have such a hard time understanding why people care about this thing and I don't understand it? It's okay that I don't understand it. I can give my phone a break and not spend all my time being like what is wrong with you? You know? I think that's the big thing. I'll let you explain.

Jedidiah Mora: Mine? Yeah. My what?

Kyla Mora: I talked a lot. It's your turn.

Jedidiah Mora: What am I what am I expressing? What was the question?

Lily Newton: The question is the question is kind of expanding on this idea, this concept of acceptance beginning with understanding. So how has your understanding of yourself led to self acceptance or actually also, I know in preproduction you shared some things about in your relationship, like under accepting Kyla's needs as well and, you know, that idea.

Jedidiah Mora: Well, one of the I guess one of the things that I've come to accept is that the the hyperfocus that that I have and the The hyperfocus situations that I get into are not a detriment because I used to see them as a detriment. And and because of that hyper focusedness, it would lead into addictive tendencies. So those addictive tendencies also stemmed from trauma that, you know, it was kind of a cascade of effects. And so one bled into the other that bled into the other and then realizing, well, this is where it comes from and then accepting, oh, okay. Well, I can adapt my behavior. I can have mental tools accepting that that it isn't a failing on my part that I have those tendencies. It's just a a hardware issue that I can use software to overcome. And so, you know, accepting that fact that it's it's possible to do that.

Accepting that being able to deep dive into a subject for a weekend can actually yield results and and be a positive thing. The job that I have right now, the the supervisor asked me a very specific question about about an action that occurs after another action. So a happens when b and c occur. I had no idea why A occurred. I spent a weekend reading an eight fifty page book to find the answer. And I found the answer. And part of the reason why I got the job. So that is a positive thing.

That is an ex that is something that I have accepted about myself that having that deep dive, having the ability to focus on that is okay. And then conversely on the downside of of the ADD and and the bipolar and that is some days my brain is a dinosaur and I don't care. You know, I just want to chop on stuff and and not do anything worth worth anything and that's okay because some days you just need to have that.

Kyla Mora: I'm gonna brag on him just a little bit too but also I have legit reason to do so because because one of the things that I see in my students too that have ADHD is that they all believe they're not smart, like almost across the border. And they're almost all of them really smart, but they are convinced they are not. And one of the things that I've enjoyed seeing as we kind of work through this is getting him to realize how very smart he is, when he's always been like, I don't know anything. I'm not smart guy. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. Well, that's not true because, you can be over here rattling off information from a technical manual that you read three years ago. Immediately apply it, look at something and solve a problem like that.

Everybody else is still standing around staring at it like, what? You know? I'm just like, there's so many indicators that I'm like but but I think dealing with ADHD you learn very quickly on I am bad, I am dumb, I am slow, I am this, I am that and it's such an unfair thing. So that's another thing I've enjoyed seeing is him starting to realize like oh hey yeah no I am I'm kind of smart guy Which Erin Hawley: he is. Very smart.

Jedidiah Mora: Thank you.

Kyla Mora: You're welcome.

Lily Newton: I love love and supportive relationships.

Erin Hawley: Yeah. And I love, like also, you know, a lot of people don't think that a disability and symptoms of a disability are anything positive, like, ever. It's always every symptom is terrible. And it's like, no. Because I, I have anxiety pretty bad, and that I think is bad at work some days. But other days, it's like, I see and hear everything, and I'm very attention detailed because I'm afraid to mess up or something. And that has really helped me in my job. And even, you know, like, I have, muscular dystrophy, and I've had that my whole life.

And I think it has made me a better person. And that might be, controversial to say, but I do think having a disability does at times make you more, empathetic to other people and accepting different people, and that's, like, awesome. You know?

Kyla Mora: Yeah. 100%.

Lily Newton: Yeah. I'm gonna brag on Erin now for a second. That that, like, what is anxiety has created an, like, an amazing ability where, like, I feel like your brain so quickly can think through, like, future situations. So when it comes to, like, we work on a brand marketing team. Erin is phenomenal at being, like, I think this phrasing could be taken as this. And I know it's because you're, like, running all the anxious scenarios in your brain, but it's it's a skill. And, yeah, I'm so glad we got to this point because that there yes. No no no disability is a walk in the park, but there certainly are beautiful trees.

Kyla Mora: Damn. Absolutely.

Erin Hawley: Uh-huh. I love that face.

Kyla Mora: I just made it up. It's gonna go to marketing. It's gonna be on marketing. It's gonna be on marketing.

Jedidiah Mora: It's gonna be on marketing.

Lily Newton: I just didn't know how to end it, and I was like, well it worked.

Erin Hawley: So I wanna jump to a slightly different topic. And this is a question for Jen. In our preproduction poll, you mentioned that your journey in understanding your sleep apnea as well as your ADHD. How has that discovery impacted you?

Jedidiah Mora: The the the quick answer, it has impacted me positively, extremely positively. The the the the elaborated answer is that my ability to set goals and follow through has improved tenfold. There there were those addictive tendencies I mentioned earlier, we I've been able to implement plans and and overcome those things and still, you know, maintain a path of recovery for that. I've been able to get my GED. I've been able to understand why I think a certain way or why I catastrophize in a certain situation. It has allowed me to handle stress so much better. And would you elaborate on how it has helped me handle stress?

Kyla Mora: Oh goodness. I mean I guess the best way I could think about it is think about the most tired you've ever been and think about how you felt when the smallest thing went wrong. And that was Jed all the time all the time he was he was waking up 80 times per hour so he was never getting more than forty five seconds of sleep at a time uninterrupted. It was he shouldn't be here we still don't know how he's here. And that had been going on for years and years and years. So normal people on a bad night of sleep, we're irritable. When stressful things happen, we struggle to handle it. You know, we're like, man, I gotta let me sleep and then I'll deal with this.

You know? But this was his day to day operation. So small things could be huge. Big things could be catastrophic. Like, just to the point of just I'm retreating. I'm I'm I can't deal with this at all. You know? And understanding why all of that was happening was a big thing, but also now now that you're able to sleep, your brain actually has the ability to actually just deal with anything. Whether it's something small like I can't get this app on my phone to work to oh my god my dad's in the hospital I gotta take you there what how are we gonna schedule this I have to go to work you know like stuff like that. It's been it's been enormous.

And also being able to manage your own emotional response to things and being able to gauge whether or not that emotional response is appropriate in this situation or not, that wasn't something you could really do. You know, it was just all or nothing. It was either on or off.

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah.

Kyla Mora: Because that's all you can do when you're sleep deprived. Your body can either do it or it can't, but it can't have any kind of moderation in there at all. There's just no way.

Jedidiah Mora: So so back to what Kyla was saying about the amount of sleep I was getting. I I used to be an active water well driller. Now that is a very physically demanding job, but it's also a very mentally demanding job because, you know, with with most hands on work, you are literally eyes on the task. Right? With water well drilling, you literally only have vibrations from the drilling rig gauges to tell you what's going on, but you don't actually see the work because the work is happening beneath your feet several hundred feet, you know, 500 feet below you, a thousand foot below you. And you're having to make decisions based upon information presented to you on a gauge cluster. So I was in an environment that was high stress, high adrenaline and physically demanding. So my body would literally collapse at the end of the day. And so I probably have had sleep apnea since I was about 20, didn't know it.

Then we got married when I was 25. Well, we were the same age as 25, we got married. So she saw my sleep apnea go from bad to worse and also how I could not I couldn't function properly as as a human.

Erin Hawley: Yeah.

Jedidiah Mora: Which was incredibly odd because emotionally I was a wreck but you asked me to read a manual about a drilling rig. I could read the whole manual and be like okay so this is why we need to torque this bolt to 1,000 but you know 500 foot pounds and give you all of those technical reasons but why do I feel angry? I couldn't tell you it's because, you know, something happened. I couldn't actually articulate that. So having that sleep apnea diagnosis, being able to actually have the machine that allows me to sleep completely changed not only my life but can change Kyla's life and then our life together as a as a married couple has also changed because our relationship has gotten better because she's able to articulate to me things and I won't take them personally or I won't take them out of context and if I do take them out of context now I have the wherewithal to say did you mean it this way or that way, you know, what context did you mean that in? Because because now I'm able to to step back from the situation, compartmentalize it a little bit and be like, okay, well, obviously, she didn't mean that in a in a in a negative way. She's my wife. She wouldn't, like, just rip on me. Let me think about that for a moment because maybe she just said it in a way that was easier for her to see it at the time, you know? But being able to to do that has really improved my relationship with her, my relationship with with my family members, and it has been an excellent thing to have that diagnosis.

Lily Newton: If you're comfortable sharing about it, was the sleep apnea diagnosis prior to the ADHD and bipolar, or was that after like, what was the order of that?

Kyla Mora: So he's never officially been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It's something that exists in his family. And, honestly, a lot of the behaviors, we thought that that's what it was.

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah. Yeah.

Kyla Mora: We got this we got the sleep apnea diagnosis, more than a honestly, more than a decade ago. But and he had a machine at first, but it wasn't the right one. So he used it for a while, didn't feel like it was working, gave it up. You know? And after a while, I was like, we've got to try this again. We've got to do this again. So, we did it again. By the time we did it again, the the technology on machines had advanced so much that I mean it was just like instant instant improvement. So, but the ADHD diagnosis came after the apnea diagnosis and then you've never really been and and again I go back and forth about bipolar because like I said the more he sleeps the more I'm like that's that's just a symptom of not sleeping.

That's you know that that's not what that was you know so like we used to have fights every three months. I I knew I knew when it was coming like I could count. I literally every three months I started being like it's coming it's coming I know it's coming. I thought that that might be a bipolar symptom.

Jedidiah Mora: Mhmm.

Kyla Mora: Since he started sleeping, doesn't happen at all anymore. So now I'm like, okay. So that's that was more indicative of all of the sleep disorder than anything else. So it's an ongoing process. Try to kind of disentangle and figure out what is and what isn't. Yeah.

Lily Newton: Totally. I mean, that's why I asked you. You mentioned bipolar, and I I was diagnosed as bipolar, but well before I was diagnosed as any kind of neurodivergent thing. And now that I know I have autism and ADHD, I am in the exact same place where I'm like, I don't think I still identify with that bipolar diagnosis, but I'm gonna take the things I learned from it and try to apply. But, yeah, the reason I was asking about that was that I think it's, sleep is so important, and we don't talk about it that much that I think there are sometimes that the answer is sleep, but a different diagnosis gets put on that. So, I just wanted to elaborate on that for any listeners because especially if you have undiagnosed neurodivergence, sleep is hard.

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah. And if if you live alone, you know, and you you just you constantly wake up tired. You constantly wake up in a in a in a daze of of, like, man.

Kyla Mora: You feel fatigued? Do you feel heavy?

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah.

Kyla Mora: It could be a sleep disorder that you don't know you're not aware you have. It's always worth getting checked out.

Jedidiah Mora: Talk to your doctor. You know, they do sleep studies at home now with a with a with a BioRing. You put the ring on, you go to sleep, and dial it in a nap, and you could have a diagnosis and it's incredible because being able to sleep is is wow.

Kyla Mora: It's everything.

Jedidiah Mora: It really makes it it means a lot.

Lily Newton: Well, thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it. And I I have a feeling that there's a listener or a reviewer out there who who is gonna really appreciate it too.

Kyla Mora: Hope so.

Lily Newton: Should we go to the next question, Erin?

Erin Hawley: Yes. I think so. So now that you have your book published, is there any other stories that you wanna tell in a future book that you can share?

Kyla Mora: Yes, he's looking at me right now because he knows, he knows, he knows what the next one is that I want to work on. Okay, so there's a story that goes with this. So one day I came home from work we're both getting home at the same time and we're just talking and all of a sudden I'm like give me a second I sit down and I start taking my shoes and socks off and he's like okay and I'm like don't you hate that like don't you hate that when you're just like everything's fine and all of a sudden your feet gets super hot and you have to take them off right? And you take your shoes and socks off like right now. And he just looks at me and he's like, no. And I'm like, that doesn't happen to you? And he's like, no. I was like, is that not a thing that happens to other people? And he's like, no. So I was like, oh, this is a me thing. So then we just turned it into a joke.

He was like, hey, you got your hot socks. So now we would joke about me having hot socks, which does happen sometimes. I'll be like, Ah! He's like, Do you have hot socks? I'm like, Yes! So I got the autism diagnosis and that's, you know, I've been thinking about it and about the fact that, when we talk about autism we tend to talk about boys. These signs and symptoms that everyone thinks of when they think about autism they are thinking about boys. Autism in girls presents very differently and most people are not aware of that which is why most women will find out that they have autism until they're maybe close to 40. You know, that's kind of thirty forty that's kind of what they're saying right now most women won't know until they're adults. And so I just started thinking about all the little things the things that I experienced when I was a kid and so I was like I think that's what I want to do next. I think I want a new hot socks and I want to do a book about all the the the goofy strange little things that that you have when you're a girl, when you have autism that just are good and bad and silly and fun because there are things that are like really strangely common to girls.

Like there's literally a thing amongst girls who have autism about being very, very good with animals. And being able to read and understand animals extremely well. To the point that like other people are like, Ugh, I don't know why my dog won't quit whining. And I'm over here like, Well, your dog is obviously whining because he doesn't like this thing that you just put over here. I don't understand. It's very clear what he wants. You know, I'm over here with my animals all the time. You know, my cat will meow and they'll be like, What does she want? And I'm like, Oh, I know exactly what she wants.

She wants this, this, and that. You know, it's it's something I've had all my life. That's a fun like weird positive to being a girl not just a you know your face lit up. That's one of the one of the things that I'm like most people don't get that but I get it. I I would get so excited anytime I saw an animal as a kid. And it wasn't just because I was like animal. I was like, friend. I understand you.

I would feel like they were talking to me. You know? Like yeah. And it's it's one of again, so kinda like kinda like we did with Stay My Brain's a Dinosaur, we kinda wanna do it about being a girl with autism. And again, the the downsides and the upsides, like, the the fun things, the interesting things, and the stuff that's not so good, you know? Like I mean like my obsession with books where I had all my books everywhere and I loved my books and my books went with me and you know so I have a lot of books but I also don't have a lot of friends or like having like good feels like being really sensory focused and like tough, textures and fabrics and things that you love and you always want to have soft things around you, you know, that's great. But at the same time, you also have things like, really bright lights and sounds and, like, going fast. It's just, like, super overwhelming. And not being able to explain all of that stuff, again, coming back to the, like, this is a thing that I have. Other people don't seem to understand, but it is what it is.

So that's kind of what I think we're gonna we're gonna work on next is is hot socks. We'll see if anybody wants it.

Lily Newton: I think hot socks is a great name.

Kyla Mora: I know, right?

Erin Hawley: Yes. Tell me.

Kyla Mora: I wanna be like, what is why are the socks hot? I will now pick this book up.

Lily Newton: Well, and it touches on a really important thing, which I I like that you said that sometimes Jed will be like, oh, you have hot socks. Because sometimes for me, like, when I'm having a sensory overwhelm or, like, sensory issues, I won't connect that it's sensory issues. And I'll just be like, why am I so angry? And and then my fiance will be like, is your shirt not comfortable? Like, is it do you need to, like, change out of what you're wearing? And I'm like, oh, that's right. I don't hate everyone. I don't like the way the tag feels on my back. Like and it's that simple. But, you know, that's not simple if you don't have the language and understanding.

Kyla Mora: Yeah, so I think just being able to recognize that stuff would be useful probably for kids and also for parents who aren't looking for this stuff in their especially in their girls. You know, it's not a diagnostic tool by any means, but it might be nice to have a book where parents might be like, that's interesting, that sounds familiar, you know?

Jedidiah Mora: My daughter has to have 10 teddy bears with her at all times.

Kyla Mora: Yeah.

Jedidiah Mora: And they're all the same texture.

Kyla Mora: Because just the stuff that boys do the the the flapping the the hyperfixating the constant talking all that stuff like a lot of times girls won't do that or if they do it they'll stop doing it quite early because girls can be socialized more to be quieter, to be more contained, to be more well behaved. So those behaviors will continue to be very visible. They'll look completely differently and people won't catch them. They just won't see it.

Lily Newton: Absolutely. And sometime and usually, there are a lot more of, like, palatable symptoms for other people. So, you know, because they're not a problem, like, often young boys with ADHD or autism are presenting as, which becomes a whole other issue when we bring in, like, race and the way people are the way different behaviors are treated depending on how you look. But that could be its own full episode. But, like, with with young girls, I think there is a level of, like, well, her her symptoms are really only affecting her mental health, so it doesn't really matter. And that's like Yeah. It's very internal. So I think I'm excited for Hot Sox.

Lily Newton: I'd like it to get published. I'd like to read it to my nieces and nephews.

Kyla Mora: I hope so. Because, you know, one of the things I realized too once I got my diagnosis and one of the things I've realized talking to Jed over the last few years is there were so many things that were going on that I never said to anyone, and I just assumed they knew. I don't know why I assumed they knew. I guess I just thought I was experiencing it. Everyone experienced it or I knew this was happening. Everyone must know. And just realizing over the years that I'm like, oh, I just never told anyone that. I I've been dealing with this thing for my whole life.

Did I ever actually say out loud this is a problem for me? No. I probably didn't. I I don't think I ever did. So that's the other thing too. Like, I think a lot of kids with autism, like, there's a lot of stuff they're never gonna tell you is a problem. If they if they perceive that they are being seen as a problem, like, you're not gonna complain about it. You're just gonna shut up and be like, oh, I gotta fix that. You know?

Lily Newton: Yeah. Absolutely. I think that's all.

Kyla Mora: of my books? Well, you know, the trains. You know how people think social media and pop culture when they think about autism, they think about boys who are obsessed with trains. Right? Like, that's just kind of the stereotypical thing. So when I was getting diagnosed, I I was talking to my doctor about it and I was like, you know, that's like the one thing that I don't see in myself. I don't see the hyperfixation on on something that I got, like, really obsessed with and, like, would always talk about. I was like, I didn't do that. I didn't have trains, you know? And she was like well what did you have? Like what were your interests? And I was like well I just really liked books like I like to read and then then I the more I talked about it the more I thought about the fact that in all the pictures of me as a little kid there are stacks of books scattered in the background. My mom would tell me to go outside and go outside and play.

Fine. I would take my books outside and sit outside and read my books. I couldn't get in the car and go to the supermarket without taking at least seven books with me because I didn't know how long we were gonna be. People were weird about time and I needed to make sure I had all my options. You know, the more I started talking about this, the more I was like, Oh, books were my trains. And she's like, Yeah. And that's probably why nobody noticed because it's not weird for kids to like to read. So it's not all that strange.

Everybody was just like, oh, that's just her and her books. She was like, substitute any other thing in the space for books, and it would have been immediately apparent.

Jedidiah Mora: Fossilized poop?

Kyla Mora: It would have been apparent. And it would have been immediately apparent. Yes. Like, it would have been immediately Yeah.

Lily Newton: Dinosaurs, he would have been stereotypical almost. It would have been obvious.

Kyla Mora: It would have been obvious.

Lily Newton: You know?

Jedidiah Mora: And, you know, when we got married and we moved for the first time, I moved so many books. And I was like, do we have to take all of these? And she's like, yes. We do. Okay.

Kyla Mora: And then you would ask. You'd be like, well, why this one? I would have a full detailed explanation about why this book and why it goes with this book. And then I put these books together because of this, and then I put these books over here. And these I've had to it could go on. And so, yes. You know, when they spell it out for you, then you're like, oh, that was really obvious. Oops.

Jedidiah Mora: So her her classroom Oh. Has more books than her library.

Erin Hawley: No. It doesn't.

Kyla Mora: No. It doesn't. The library has more books than my library.

Jedidiah Mora: Have you counted?

Kyla Mora: No. But I don't think it does. I just have a lots. That's all. I don't have lots.

Jedidiah Mora: So she is the second library in in school. That is true.

Lily Newton: What lucky students you have?

Jedidiah Mora: Oh, yeah. Her students see, that's what's great about her as a teacher is that because of her love of books, she she has a library for her students. And they is it that you do you read a book and you ask them to also pick a book to read like you guys read them?

Kyla Mora: They're reading throughout the year. They're reading whatever they want and we do assignments with it and stuff like that.

Jedidiah Mora: It's really awesome to see her take that love, that passion, that desire because she reads in front of her students.

Lily Newton: Yeah. That's so nice.

Jedidiah Mora: She she sets the example and she reads. And and again, back to what you were saying, Erin, people only see these things as negative, these symptoms as negative.

Erin Hawley: Right.

Jedidiah Mora: But this symptom is a very positive thing because who who said, the the general the one I like.

Kyla Mora: Oh, general Mattis.

Jedidiah Mora: Yeah.

Kyla Mora: Yeah. There was a quote that you got for me. It was, if you have not read hundreds of books in your lifetime, you will be functionally illiterate and you will not succeed because your own experiences are not enough to sustain you. I put that on a poster in my classroom. It's a really good quote.

Jedidiah Mora: And so that is one of the things that I have found very enjoyable about Kyla is her her willingness to read to me out loud because that was one of her stipulations of our courtship and marriage was that she'd be able to read to me out loud. And I have been read numerous books fiction and non fiction and I love it. I love that I have a built in audiobook.

Erin Hawley: I love that. Well, Lily knows this. I also have an obsession with books and reading, and I totally understand why you love it because it's, like, it's my favorite thing to do.

Lily Newton: Erin, how many books did you read last year? Give him the stat.

Kyla Mora: A hundred and eight. Awesome. Oh my goodness. That's amazing.

Jedidiah Mora: It is, yes. Amazing.

Lily Newton: Right? So cool.

Erin Hawley: And my partner my partner is like, if I buy a book, my partner is like, do you need another book? I'm like, yes.

Kyla Mora: The answer is always yes.

Erin Hawley: It's always yes.

Lily Newton: Absolutely.

Jedidiah Mora: Not to ask that question anymore. Because the because the answer is yes.

Lily Newton: And you need the book.

Erin Hawley: Yeah. You need the book.

Lily Newton: Well, we are very nearly out of time. I wanna close with one final question, which we've talked about this a lot throughout the episode. But you two have known each other for a long time. I wanna touch on that because I think our readers or our listeners might not know that. But in being in the relationship you're in where you've known each other for a long time and you've known each other as you've learned these things about each other, what does accommodating and supporting each other really look like in your relationship? And do you have any kind of, like, relational systems that you could share?

Kyla Mora: Absolutely. For me, it's paying attention to his voice and his energy level and his eyes, like, because I can with the ADHD, oftentimes, people don't always have a great internal sense of, am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I you know, they don't always have those cues as quickly as they should. So I'm always looking for that. So if I'm like, you know, all of a sudden he's really down, and I'm like, when was the last time you ate? Or, you know, he's really frustrated. I'm like, you didn't get much sleep last night, did you? So I'm always trying to stay on top of that stuff to make sure that, like, you need to go drink some water or I think you need to go get a snack. Like, I don't think you need to wait till dinner. I think you need to eat. Because if I catch those things and then he can he can handle them, and then it's like, oh, yeah.

No. Yeah. That's that's what it was. I was I was hungry. I needed to eat something. So just kind of managing that for each other, looking for those cues, that really helps a lot. I'm I try to keep him on a good sleep schedule because I know that that's an issue. So getting after about getting to bed on time is something I'm constantly doing, but it's important.

I'm always the person who's like, did we take your did you shake your medicine yet? And he's like, yeah. Did you? And then I'm like, oh, wait. No. I didn't. So we're staying on top of each other about stuff like that.

Jedidiah Mora: One of the one of the things I really appreciate about Kyla is her understanding that sometimes in in it's it's something that I'm still working and will continue to work on is is the snappiness that I individually have. There'll be certain circumstances where a situation will develop that reminds me or is very similar to a previous trauma. And I snap at it. You know, I snap at it. I I I react in a very defensive, in a very defensive posture. And the way I act, in the way I respond is not loving. It's not kind. It doesn't show her the proper respect and dignity that she deserves as my wife.

But because she understands and accommodates for the fact that no there's trauma, there is there are underlying issues that that influence that behavior, she's willing to overlook them, she's willing to forgive them. And then I truly appreciate that about Kyla because she she's very understanding.

Kyla Mora: He also reminds me to put my earplugs in when I start looking stressed out or, you know, go get your lotion. You're fidgeting. You need do you need something? Do you need, like, a you know? So he's really good about that too. When I start getting a little bit stressed out, like, do you need to go step outside? What do you need to do? You want me to get your earplugs? Stuff like that. So that helps a lot too.

Lily Newton: I think it's so beautiful, and I think that you bring up such such an important topic that I'm happy we're, like, closing with, which is that, like, it's with, like, Western therapy talk, which is really wonderful, and we've learned a lot of things, I think sometimes we forget about disability and accommodation. And, like, I know that I I totally relate to what you're saying, Jed, of the, like especially when I have pretty intense meltdowns, and, like, I have a lot of shame around the fact that I think my behavior and the way that I sometimes act during a meltdown, especially towards my partner who I love so much, could very easily be written off by someone who has no understanding of my disability as toxic. Right. And for so long, I viewed myself as toxic, and it really has been being loved by someone who can almost immediately clock when I'm in a state of meltdown. And instead of and at that point, like, once I'm in a state of meltdown, Brian's not even, like, listening to the actual words I'm saying. He's doing exactly what you two just said and, like, getting me water and bringing me an ice pack that I can put on my neck to kind of, like, shock the system and bringing me my stim toys. And it's just it's real love, and I think that it's funny that the disabled population often gets thought of as, like, not romantic because I think that, honestly, like, disabled love is some of the most beautiful and romantic love out there because there is so much, like, I want to know you, and I want to help you. Like, it's rather than I wanna help this, like, idealized person.

Jedidiah Mora: You know, and I met Kyla through her sister's graduation. And we we'd hung out in the same circle of friends, and and she told me she had fibromyalgia that first time we'd met. And then we didn't see each other, what, three years?

Kyla Mora: Yeah. Three, four years.

Jedidiah Mora: Three, four years? It was at a rodeo in San Antonio. And I asked her, how's your fibromyalgia doing?

Kyla Mora: I was just floored because I'd only had, like, two conversations with you ever, and I was very used to people not really paying attention to me anyway. Like, I was like, okay. You're here to hang out with my sister. Like, you're having a perfunctory conversation with the little sister. That's nice of you. Good for you. So, yeah. When he was like, how's your fibromyalgia? I was like, how do you even remember that? How do you what? So is Lord.

That anyone would even remember that I had said that much less years later bring it up and be like, oh, hey. How's that going? Because this is not something people want to talk about even if they do remember it. So yeah. Yeah. That was definitely something that I was like, something odd about this guy. It's interesting.

Jedidiah Mora: Major things I remember, Greg. So, you know, her her love for Shakespeare when we were dating, I think really endeared her to me and and because I would listen to her ramblings about Shakespeare and because she loves Shakespeare and I loved her just talking. She's like this guy really likes me. So you know that's one of the systems that we definitely have is to listen because Kyla doesn't always talk, she's not a very talkative person, her mother amazingly talkative. But when Kyla has something to say, I do my best not to change the subject. Not to bring up a peripheral thing that reminded me of something. Because she has been, you know, the the social signals her whole life has been you're not liked. Well, if I'm if she's two sentences into a subject that she's passionate about or she's interested in or that she finds important and I change the subject, I'm sending her the exact same signal.

What you want is not important. You are not important. And so I I if she has something that she wants to talk about that is important to her, I do my best to listen listen through the entire through the entire conversation or the entire amount of information that she wants to to to divulge and to to to display. And and I I do my best to ask her follow-up questions, the things that she might not have thought of or or things of that nature. But that's one system we use is is to not is to reinforce that she is loved and her opinion is valued and her viewpoint is valued by listening.

Erin Hawley: I love it. It's very romantic, by the way.

Lily Newton: Yeah. Like, so beautiful. I'm so glad we had you both on the show and that what an amazing conversation this has been. Thank you both for being so open and willing to share, especially Kyla being so new in your diagnosis. I think that it's, just, like, gonna be very helpful to other people to hear your experience. Their their book, my today my brain is a dinosaur is out now. We'll we'll link in the little description of this episode, where you can get that, and, stay tuned for hot socks.

And, again, thank you so so much for being here. This was such a lovely conversation. Your marriage is beautiful. I just have to say, like, it's it's very beautiful.

Kyla Mora: Thank you for having us. We really appreciate it.

Jedidiah Mora: Thank you. Thank you, Lily. Thank you, Erin, very much.

Erin Hawley: Thank you.

Lily Newton: Yes. And, Erin, as always, thank you for hosting with me. I love you.

Erin Hawley: I love you.

Lily Newton: And to our phenomenal listeners, if you're listening, viewers, if you're viewing, thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you next time on another episode of everything you know about disability is wrong.

Erin Hawley: If you like what you heard, go ahead and subscribe and leave us a review wherever you get through podcasts.

Lily Newton: Thank you to our listeners. And as always, thank you to Easterseals for giving us the space and resources to share such authentic conversations from within the disability community to our listeners.

Erin Hawley: And I'll see you next time for another episode of Everything You Know About Disability Is Wrong.